she was so ugly that the sight of her made me shiver and then i had to play it off like a draft blew by that only i felt.
Latest life lesson : don't accidentally send an "I nutted on her tramp stamp" text to your tattoo-less girlfriend. Oops.
He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
i keep forgetting that not all of my female friends are bisexual.
I need to figure out what I wanna do with my life.
There are margaritas in the freezer still.
That bad?
Full length cargo pants, running shoes, and a partial unibrow. Alcohol really is blinding.
oh and speaking of men I've slept with. Ryan lost 1/3 of a testicle zip lining
My cab driver just started a conversation with "Three years ago I pleaded guilty..." Check on me later tonight please.
Who would've thought that Monopoly night would've ended with some girl peeing on the couch.
Also CANADIAN LIPS TASTE OF MAPLE SYRUP AND APOLOGIES. SORRY.
Did you get any pics? And I can only imagine how inferior you must have felt knowing that somewhere in that room was a guy whose penis was the length of your forearm.
His constant posting of "inspirational" Taylor Swift quotes over the past 3 days has me a little worried. It's like, holy shit dude, you're almost 30.
I'm trying to be celibate. I'm having me time. I'm eating cake.
You owe me beer. On another note, I made out with the ups guy at work today ....
I think this Canadian beach volleyball player might be my soulmate. We could check each other's shoulders for melanoma.
Randomize
