I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
hahaha he is wasted in math class right now and is drawing all the planets in order from the sun
He told me that he wishes our relationship was more like prison: less touching, more butt sex.
I've broken several federal laws in the name of sex.
The "puke-towel" started to grow something...
Waiting outside the STD clinic 30 min before it opens already in a line up. It's like were all waiting for a concert that no ones really pumped for
Attention: due to the power outage we will not be playing drinking games and watching the royal wedding. Bring your own bottle and we'll just drink in silence.
Woke up this morning on my doorstep in a basket with a branch, a lipstick lightning bolt on my head and a sign that said "the boy who lived." i love you guys.
If the cops knock on your door and ask if you saw anyone throw an orange out the window I was never there.
I just saw an appointment in my phone called "it's been a month" I think I drunkly did that after I slept with Paul to remind myself to check if I got knocked up... I'm smarter drunk than sober.
legit question. can i put a condom down our garbage disposal? my rents are coming over in 20
I literally got so drunk last night, I texted myself "porpoises" and that was it. I have no recollection of this.
if i ever get to the point where i am moaning when i pee, please do the honorable thing and kill me.
it was like reliving my childhood drunk at a bar.
Why do we always have to be the people who get blamed for animal intoxication incidents?
Randomize
