I just had an epiphany. There is NOTHING TO STOP ME from making cake mix and eating it all instead of making a cake. It feels like my entire life has peaked at this moment.
My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
Worst PDA I've ever seen. She even licked the mustard off his mustach
Passing out during sex is actually quite pleasant. its like being rocked to sleep with a penis
the paramedic just looked at me like "you again?"
I'm sorry I dragged a dildo (on a leash) into your room last night.
Apparently I told the bartender to stop putting ice in my drink because it was taking up too much room
We got way too high so we're sitting in the parking lot of the movies trying to figure out what bar to go to
This girl braided my pubes while i was asleep. Now i cant get them undone.
If I had a penis, I'd want to put it in you. And I'd treat you with respect and pay for your drinks.
Good, be his mentor. Like a tiny gay Yoda.
I met someone else! And I had a wonderful orgasm! And he wants to see me again, like take me out!
he answered his phone during sex and left to go help that drama queen with her latest bullshit. I'm drinking all his vodka. it's asshole tax
I guess what I'm trying to get to is that my dog sneezed on my dick earlier and its really taken the joy out of my evening.
Don't drag this out. All I need to know is if I have to put pants on or not.
Randomize
