my computer doesn't work...
why?
i puked on it last night
We just described beer as "big boy apple juice" to his 2 year old.
there's something so ridiculous to me about watching someone with glasses exercising. it's like watching a whore studying in the library. stop trying to be someone you're not.
I just turned in a 4 page paper spelling absolute as "absolut" every single time. I'm an alcoholic
I just figured you know how to drive a boat and I know how to get drunk. What can go wrong
i just woke up reverse cowgirl on my couch. fully clothed. my laptop is on the floor sideways. blasting gay porn and lady gaga. pizza crust everywhere. goodmorning.
in my defence, i did try to get you to put your shirt back on, then you screamed at me to stop telling you what to do
no one was sober enough to set up jenga so we just threw the pieces at the last person to drink
you look like you're about to get down on your knees and give america the business.
A stripper just invited me to her daughter's birthday. Where did my life go wrong?
Nothing kills the mood like him going to slap my ass and he hits his balls at the same time
We got a lap dance! I touched a boob!
can we not speak foreign languages when I'm on drugs
I don't remember anything beyond the drinking game but I woke up in my own pee this morning so I'm just gonna go out on a limb and say I overdid it.
Im getting out of handcuffs then i'll give you a call
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