in retrospect, sexting while high was a mistake - I meant to say "I'll fuck you stupid, baby" but of course I said "I'll fuck your stupid baby"
Dude pussy is like music. For every person who pays for it, there are thousands more getting it for free.
I tried doing a handstand in the middle of the bar and I ended up kicking this old guy in the face and broke his glasses. Thats how I got kicked out
She just invited me to drunkenly make out on the kitchen floor again.....
One of two things would happen: He'd love it, or you'd get a restraining order.
Just because you put plan b in my Easter basket doesn't give you an excuse not to wear a condom.
I have to stop drunkenly making out with guys just because they're tall or have a beard.
Excuse me but the alley way I wanted to fuck in happens to be a very nice clean area.
dude when im high using logic is an accomplishment that should be rewarded. make sure u get cinnamon twists
I'm not sure whom I'm texting but I put you in my phone as last nights fuck budy, and I'm just curious if I left my clutch with you?
Just ate a gummy bear I found in my sheets. So yeah, 2013 is SO gonna be my year.
Dear Jesus. Send me strength to not suck cock this morning.
Soggy bong water carpet is the worst kind of carpet.
you can only text me tonight if its in drake lyrics. thats the rule
The last thing I remember saying was "Tequila for all!!"
If you count the sounds from the room down the hall....that was definitely NOT the last thing that came out of your mouth.
Randomize
