He was supposed to take me to a nice dinner, but istead all he did was get drunk and throw lit fireworks at me.
I joined a mariachi band. they gave me a guitar because i told them i could play. It actually turned out ok
They kicked me out of the mariachi band. Turns out I'm not that good
The kid that passed out is still in the bathtub filled with ice and the empties
he handed me my panties in front of my date. turns out he wasn't that mad.
My mother walked into the bathroom at 345 am while I was splashing in the bathtub with the remnants of her birthday cake all over me... she looked at me and walked out...
Idk if I woke up next to a cat or raccoon. either way it's purring.
From what I can tell at a cursory glance, it seems that last night I fell asleep on string cheese and it melted into my bra.
I'm attracted to him because he looks like the kind of guy who would lick my asshole without me having to ask.
If I had a mugshot, I would totally use it as my main picture on Tinder, just to keep it interesting.
He looks like an accountant with a secret kinky candy filled center.
You ruined the universe
I just wrote a self loathing message to self, wrapped my credit card in it, put it in an envelope, sealed it with another hate messame, and put it in my lock box. So. That's where I'm at.
I don't know if I'm dying or this is just a mild inconvenience
The guy in the cage next to me is having phone sex. His girlfriend is in College Library. Why is my life ridiculous.
I should not have moved in with him. He's got porn stashed everywhere like a homosexual squirrel.
You love porn!
Not in the sugar bowl when I'm making my Mom coffee I don't.
Randomize
