I love being friends with rich people. I get laid by association.
i always forget guys have bellybuttons
I don't remember. Are we still dating?
You are in charge of making sure that her vagina explodes with joy tonight.
I'm cleaning my bathroom. That being said I found a klonopin and dropped it and stepped on it. Floor is clean im gonna snort it.
I've been ignoring his texts cause last night I put him in my phone as 'ignore for atleast a day' and I trust my drunk self.
I was mixing candy canes and coors light and was in a great place.
Dating Detox Day 5: had to go out and buy new batteries. this may be harder than I thought
My entire summer has consisted of being too drunk for this shit, too sober for this shit, or too hungover for this shit.
The forecast for tonight is alcohol and low expectations.
You're the only meteorologist I listen to.
These kids are nice. Shrooms make everything so nice.
I just spent the last three days trying to hook up with a dude for his pool privileges
If you had been home 20 minutes ago, you probably would've caught me masturbating, so it might be for the best.
When I type "sleep" my phone suggests "with Trevor". My phones an asshole.
So I FINALLY get to start out a story, "So there I was, naked except for a toboggan hat and handcuffs..."
Randomize
