Please dont use Danity Kane lyrics to describe your emotions.
I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
I just told the 2nd grade class leprechauns are the children of midgets.
and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
his blanket is still in the back seat of my car, its like a constant reminder of his small penis
He chucked my pickle at the bouncer. Fucker, I wanted that.
Have I told you recently that I love you, if for no other reason than you make my irresponsible substance abuse look tame by comparison?
Ryan friended me on LinkedIn and it took everything in my power not to endorse him for sexual dysfunction as a skill.
So his 25th anniversary post of love to his wife was almost verbatim what he said to me last week. Does that mean I win or lose?
Okay, tomorrow we'll have a day of life-sorting and plasma-selling.
Woke up this morning with fake blood all over my bed which is a positive considering last year it was all real blood
Dude she smelled like bar-b-que sauce. I can't think of anything better.
Now I have the opportunity to have Chris Pratt or Channing Tatum?!? What a time to be alive.
I may or may not have puked near a bear on the side of the road this morning.
I gotta do like a month's worth of catch-up personal hygiene today in prep for Christmas so extended family doesn't ask if I'm depressed.
Randomize
