I have two girls sleeping in my bed naked and I ended up making it to class, what were you saying about staying in on the weekdays?
i think i scared a bird with my dick
I've heard so many rumors about me being taken home in an ambulance I'm starting to believe them.
Can we please stop calling your vagina the cave of wonders?
The US State Dept doesn't need to know I'm a high strung drunken whore.
I showed up to a booty-call in my onesie pajamas and rubber boots
151 hangover. Need apocalypse.
I got a text saying, "It's so great to throw tomatoes at seagulls."
I just put bronzer on my abs to snapchat nudes. If that's not going hard I don't know what is
There's nothing more awkward than going on a beer run with 3 ten year olds....teacher of the year right here!
I'm high and having a granola buffet this has got to be the healthiest I have ever been
Btw, I feel the need to make sure we have no misunderstanding about this. So here goes. I'll happily mess around with you again. However, I probably won't do it while you're dressed like a creepy clown. Or any clown.
In other news: I massively over-caffeinated this morning. Everything is vibrating and I can SEE THROUGH TIME
My memory of last night is a delicious blur of tits, ass, and alcohol.
Man I gotta stop stashing shit when I'm high. I just spent 2 hours searching for my bag of pot and eventually found it in fucking a bandaid box.
Randomize
