Dont worry, she is sitting right next to me. She is making it clear she wants to scissor
you knoww youre high when you are just as concerned as the contestants on ultimate cake off as they move their 250 lbs cake over the ramp
Would you like to blur the lines between friendship and lesbianism tonight?
Eric and I got kicked off of karaoke last night. Apparently, singing about masturbation to the tune of "A Whole New World" is not appropriate and definitely frowned upon by the DJ.
its friday night, im aone in my apartment and eating 2 year expired canned fruit, naked. i'm not single or anything..
Well apparently I'm no fun since I won't have a threesome with him and my mother.
Well, thats the first guy to go to jail because of my vagina
Post that event on your timeline
I blame it on the rum. It keeps jumpng doqn my throst.
I fucking hate you. Some slutty looking drunk chick backed her ass up across the bar and started grinding on you. You ignored her because you didn't want to share you drink
I care about my drink far more than her feelings
The dude is a cop how would I ever date a cop I wouldn't be able to talk about the first TWENTY-SEVEN years of my life!
Do you know this guy sitting in front of us? Asking for my vagina.
Found an elderly homeless guy with a Gandalf beard passed out on my porch. I put a Santa hat over his erect dick cause he was naked.
I just started an apology with "so I'm sorry about throwing the Brita at your head last night..."
I wasnt 2 drunk i sobered up around the time we were shooting the fire extinguishers
The bartender remember my drink from last sat. I think we just became drocals...drunk. locals.
Randomize
