You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
i cleaned the weed out of my bowl, pretended it was a spoon and ate oatmeal with it. my mom cried
Um please remind me to tell you what happened tonight. It involves wine, pain killers and firing a handgun in our apartment. Legit might be hiding from the cops this weekend.
Why did you send me 12 pictures in a row of your expressionless face at 2:30 am?
Celebrating landing my dream job by watching zombie movies and drinking free booze in the bath. I'm like 90% sure I just won life.
He didn't even realize I was drunk. He probably just thought I loved Torchwood so much that I no longer knew how to use my thumbs
Well I think won that argument, as the cops were leaving, they offered me a ride to the airport
NEW HOUSE RULE! If you make it in a chicks cleavage it's 3 cups and bra off.
BP at your house from now on.
I was watching porn and wanted to change the tab to another video to cum but I clicked the wrong tab and it was a gif of a dog but I was coming and couldn't do anything so did I jill off to a dog? I feel like I should be guilty
So like, boobs.
are you really going to start every conversation like that?
We should. Taco Bell definitely gives me the shits though.
It's girls night. No shame, just febreeze
last night I used snow as a chaser
You just kept yelling GET YOUR SKATES ON, BITCHES. WE'RE GOING STREAKING.
I just made the same noise looking at my salami sandwich as I do hooking up with you.
I don't mean to alarm you but are the strongest testicles in the family. I just learned I can lift 90 lb with my balls! Beat that.
Randomize
