Mom wants to know why I'm bringing a blender back to college.... didn't have the heart to tell her she's paying a $20,000 tuition for us to make margaritas and sleep through class
Last night I walked out of the bar got in a cab asked the cabi to circle the block. he did and brought me right back to the bar. I paid him $7 thanked him and walked back into the bar.
Drunk wheelbarrow races might make the top 10 list of dumb shit weve done. Especially considering all the broken glass around...
they're like a gay fantastic four
my nipple ring is gone but someone was nice enough to replace it with a paperclip
You sat on my knee, like Santa, while I peed.
He fucked me so hard my nail polish actually chipped. I'm keeping him.
He's like a hurricane
a drunk, sexist, hurricane
Even blacked out me knows not to sleep with socks on
My butthole probably tastes like a Cinnabon right now
I will most likely miss you the least and fondly remember you as Mr. "I need a minute" but really need 24 hours and 4 extra inches.
Why is there multiple peanut butter and toasts stuck to the fridge door?
Is it bad when your own grandmother calls you a whore?
Hows your mom
Shes good, she claims she wasnt drunk
I'm about to take plan-b with a glass of wine and ramen noodles. I cannot decide who will hurt more...my vagina, my kidneys or my pride.
Randomize
