I just wanted to let you know that if you dont tell me to stop texting i will still keep on trying, you matter to me
restraining order is on its way, crazy bitch
I promise you 4 toothbrushes taped together and lube does not do the trick
Her dress is practically falling off. It must know I'm here.
Based on her brazillian stubble I would guess her plan had been to wait one more date before sleeping with me. Seems the plan was flexible.
Our kitchen sink faucet is leaking, so I set a pitcher under it to catch water for Kool-Aid tomorrow rather than turn on the faucet. The environment owes me.
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
I'm going to buy her a puppy, let her fall in love with it, then kill it in front of her. Does that answer how I feel about her?
Exactly. Motivated vaginas are the best kind of vagina
I could not handle jail. And my very angry parents.
People will say "JOE YOU MUST TURN DOWN" and I will refuse, in the name of liberty.
I lost my bra, he lost his virginity. Seems like a fair trade off.
Googling enemas while I get a pedicure ... My life in one senence
Best and worst whiskey dick ever. I am hungover and can't move from the hours of sex, he on the other hand has a raw bruised dick. I win.
Guess it's not a good idea to try lighting a cigarette with my stove drunk, I burnt off half my bangs.
My new gym is popular with trophy wives. They’re talking about yachts and plastic surgery
Learn their secrets! I want to meet men with Maseratis. The meat heads and Mustangs scene is getting old
Randomize
