I had fun last night. We should have sex less often.
he was drinking wine. Puking into an empty water bottle. And eating french toast. ....All at the same time.
Wow, I just sneezed gum out of my nose. Wonder how long that's been up there.
Hey for future reference vodka can not be substituted for water when shaving your legs
LOVE ME LIKE A KANGARO LOVES A POUCH YOU DUMB CUNT
Tell him I'm the girl who was excited he spoke English. Then ask him where he picked me up from.
Do you know how I hurt my ankle or my shoulder? Or the origin of any of the following mystery bruises: left quad, left wrist, right elbow. Thanks for playing.
I saw a kid peeing outback so I yelled "you have a small pecker, but its ok cuz when life gives you lemons..." and proceeded to throw lemons at him
I can not say for certain that I did not blow someone in the bathroom at the bar at some point.
It's no shave November. This is our time.
It's been awhile, you pregnant yet?
there are not enough nopes in the world for that situation.
First poop in my apartment for the summer, officially settled in. :)
Every person I've ever had sex with is in Chipotle right now.
I wonder how drunk we can get before Christmas Caroling turns into trespassing.
Randomize
