you know you've been playing too much mario kart when you see a curve in the road ahead and see yourself drifting around it
Grilled cheese is the best thing. ever. better than boys, and alcohol, and sex, and chocolate, and money. But not really the last two.
he just kept saying that he had liquor dick..then he tried to fuck me without removing his pants.
I didn't have a rubber, but my dick had a date with a clorox wipe after we finished. I think I'm in the clear.
so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
Mustard is by no means a replacement for yellow wall paint
Aw lol. Sounds like my masturbation injury last year
seriously when did my vagina become a soup kitchen for the poor
I mean nobody wants to admit they ate 9 cans of ravioli but i did and i am not ashamed of myself
Sorry about sucking tonight. Drunk truck fucking is apparently not my strong point.
She is sending me pics of her sex faces...which totally counts as sexting in my book
I was going through my mom's stuff to find her xanax, and I found her vibrators instead. Plural. That is like the opposite of what I wanted.
When you can pee with one hand accurately while texting, you drink too much.
I didn't have cash to pay cover at the bar, so I traded the bouncer a Krispy Kreme doughnut i had in my purse
bonus check + party bus = big hot mess
Randomize
