I mean she's dancing like an epileptic patato and i'd like to slap her
Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
i just got offered coke by a strung out pilot. my night just got a lot more interesting.
you know that dress I got margarita and puke on? yeah, just returned it.
I've been crying in my room listening to Billy Joel for 2 hours. Thank God Four Loko was banned.
I guess I gave him a 20 minute play-by-play of the first three sections of R. Kelly's 'trapped in a closet.'
Oh I forgot to tell u. I hit someone with my car in the RiteAid parking lot. More like a nudge.
I want a grilled cheese and an IV
This guy in a neck brace is ordering bottle service at the strip club. Not sure whether to applaud his commitment or scorn his addiction. It's a draw.
He fucked me so hard I might have to go to the hospital for internal bleeding
Can I have him when you're done?
A horseman, i repeat, a man on a horse downtown just told me i was gorgeous and my friends were not. Not drunk enough.
I was wearing the shirt my little sister got for her birthday when the condom broke. I finally have it back to her and told her it was bad luck
Fuckin' raining men in my bedroom while I'm trying to drunk eat a rather large portion of pasta. Like shoo I already picked who I'm sleeping with. Pasta wins.
I love when my neighbors have passionate, loud sex to remind me that I'm not getting laid
His phone started ringing when we were pulled over and he said 'hold on, this is most likely more important than you', proceeded to answer it and agree to work sunday, then hung up, looked at the cop and told him to continue.
Randomize
