Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
So I feel really bad about last night...can i give you a blow job and we call it even?
im sorry but my first introduction to your dick isn't going to be a pic sent from the men's room
all you did was keep googling "what time is it" over and over and over
And my fence, why is part of it on the roof?
He was spoon feeding me wine all night.
i just figured out how to balance my wine bottle on my boobs so that i don't have to tip it with my hands...breathing has new meaning
Is 10 pm too early to booty call a freshman?
I just did a booty-call caliber shave job in preparation for this weekend. Fuck being ladylike; I'm tryna get LAID-ylike
Welp last night I made out with the guy who slices my deli meat at publix. I'm sure there's a joke there but I'm too hungover to find it. Go noles.
I'm out of prison. Wanna start a band?
Single lady's Saturday night: eat doritos, masturbate, eat more doritos. Do shot of Jager. Repeat until desired result is achieved.
last night i fell off a barstool and busted my nose. i can regretfully say that i didn't see cherub last night.
I kid you not. He let me in into his house, showed me the putt putt in his backyard. Offered to play me.
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
Randomize
