The brown eye won't let me do that either.
While at warped tour today a girl was crowd surfing and her vagina landed in my face, I call that a successfull day.
he just told me i make him happier than drugs. that's some serious shit right there
Hey man your outta milk
How the hell do you keep getting in my apartment?!
Ah shit... I sleep-ate chocolate pudding again.
This morning two of his housemate threw confetti over me, started singing and handed me a make shift trophy out of cereal boxes and beer cans that said 'Harry's Virginity' on it. Fucking brilliant!
I gave an inspirational speech to a bum and called a bride ugly at her wedding reception.
he asked me to lick his asshole and I told him his girlfriend could do that for him
Did you ever think you lost your bong and then you find it in the weirdest place? I mean, who leaves their bong in the shower?
You kicked my dad IN THE NUTS right when he walked in.
Sorry, man. Thought he was a cop.
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
Can I just buy you sex toys as a wedding gift? Bc I’m here for that and you
I just found a piece of dried shredded carrot on my bed
So my best friends wedding ended with everyone seeing me getting eaten out behind the forbes church. Classy!
scale of one to ten how loathsome is it to save my chocolate easter bunny to use for a topping on my edibles
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