hot mess party of 2 ur bar is now available
Can't imagine what could be worse than pet-naming your penis, but I'll let it go.
normally I beat off every night before I go to bed even though my little brother sleeps in the same room. So I was starting to last night, and he jumped out of bed and said "Fuck, Im not listening to this shit again" We havent talked since. fuck me
Trying not to fart in the comp lab is going to take everything i've got.
i forgot beer had calories. that would explain alot.
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
I've reached the point to where my pre-gaming needs to be limited to pre-inning-ing
On the way home she put on a necklace with her name on it and wrote my name in sharpie across my chest so that in the morning we could avoid the awkward Idk who the fuck you are conversation. Best. Girl. Ever.
I have a cat, a bottle of wine, and a Brazilian man. I need to catch you up on my life
Oh Jesus. Are you going to the hospital?
No I'm showering then leaving for Vegas
you seriously don't remember..? but then again, you were taking shots by yourself for like 30mins
what do we think the timeline is for when your liver will begin to revolt against your drinking habits?
Idk... he wears anklets.. i dont think i can get past that.
Pillow talk?
can't do it. no eye contact either.
Where have you been all my life
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
Randomize
