Who knew there were guys that wanted to only stalk you instead of date you? Count on me to find them!
On my way home i need to take a massive dump and couldn't wait.
The jonas brothers playing in your laptop. This is why guys won't sleep with you...
So tired and we had a cokehead in the salon today making us bleach her whole head because she thought it would let her pass her drug test for custody of her kid
Oh.My.God.
theres no point in washing my sheets anymore. its always going to be a fine layer of booze and semen.
my affection for youporn is starting to get disturbing... i just thought about sending them a christmas card
I woke up laying in alphagetti with the message "I'd go get checked asap" written out in the letters.
She introduced herself as 'Ann the sober one.' Took me to a coat check and a lost and found. Then offered coffee and breakfast sandwiches. Turns out she's been paying her half of the electric bill running post-party operations.
Wait til she sees the pic of her vag in court docs.
i refuse to be around anyone not wearing a sombrero...its cinco de mayo
I am still sore from last night. I can't wait for you to meet my parents.
I have no idea. He was just running around wearing a horse mask yelling "bumfuck" repeatedly. We figured we'd just let him get it out of his system.
Specially since he wanted to forget that we even touched, which makes it funnier because I don't think you can take back licking someone's butthole...
I just met a stripper in the light of day who I ate a candy bikini off her body. This is how my weekend is going.
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
Randomize
