my brain is sober enough to have a conversation.. but my arms feel nice
Damn. That makes sense
I know im like the sherlok holmes of sexual problems
I want to touch your soul through your body...with my penis...
Mike i'm at church right now...
This last weekend single handedly took me off the liver transplant list
Your mom can still drink beer standing on her head! Talk to you tomorrow :)
Mom wtf!?
I tried to explain to him that we just wanted a stereotypical black friend to be in our group. He didn't take it too well... Never take me to the bar again.
She better not be too drunk to operate a blowtorch
So where are we on this whole, you write my paper...i do sexual favors situation?
Ohh man do you know how awkward it is to keep eye contact and have a normal conversation with someone while their hand is in your vagina?
So puking trix and chicken wings is horrible but atleast we got free drinks for taking the trash out at the bar we are really movin up in the world
I mean nobody wants to admit they ate 9 cans of ravioli but i did and i am not ashamed of myself
Yeah i'd say someone being in the room while you're doing someone makes them eligible for fb friendship
Woke up with chlamydia and a bruised rib. I'd say my boss is gonna be mad about me not showing up to work, except you know.. it's her fault.
This is even better than the wine from my laundry basket
At one point, the bartender wrote out the words "please kill me" on some receipt paper and slid it across the bar to me.
Randomize
