Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
I wasn't excited about it either, but if I was going to have her take a load on her face, role playing as some french dude is the least I could do
So.. My internet got red-flagged at work because i did a search on "midigit strippers las vegas" This may be hard to explain...
After he convinced me that my friend had died and come back to life, I decided I was having sex with him that night, and that I should lay off the drugs for a while.
listening to the two girls in the next stall finish a 40 and laugh at this guy they both fucked. they're calling him 'tulip dick'.
just to let you know its hard to talk to your father while being fingered up against a car..
We were in the hot tub...he ate the pizza pocket directly out of my mouth
There is nothing more embarrassing than your birth control alarm going off while in a meeting with your boss and they tell you to take it.
HEY. That drawer full of booze in my dorm room also has aspirin and Tums in it. So don't tell me I don't care about health.
At my place... I'm gonna be honest though stonewall Jackson is not going to be able to rally the troops. Too many shots of tequila
I just looked down and realized I was walking around in briefs and a ninja turtle shirt; and for a second, I thought I was 8 again... Weird...
What made you think singing Silent Night while I was puking was a good idea?!?!
I just want to see you and express my feelings in a drunken manner, but in a sweet way like my english accent.
Call me a snob but I'm not banging chicks with more fingers than teeth.
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