If God had a period, it would result in diet faygo redpop
Just got roadhead in a driving snowstorm. That shit should be a Winter X games event.
She finally woke up and said, "Me- nothing, potato peeler- 1." And rolled back over.
My tits are coming out a minimum of ten times
The doctor asked me what height I fell from to hurt my back.. I answered keg height
The interviewer had a hook for his right hand I TRIED TO SHAKE HIS HOOK WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME
He won't ever take me seriously if I keep getting drunk and hooking up with all his friends.
WHY ARE YOU POKING HOLES IN MY 3AM LOGIC?!
Blacked in riding a tandem bicycle with a stranger. We stopped for hot dogs.
He kept calling my vagina a magic clam, and it was speaking to him, telling him to feed it his penis. I played along.
Is this girl REALLY making a smoothie in the bathroom right now?
Apparently getting dressed is an all-day activity.
Imagine getting a FB inbox "hey I found your ID on the floor of a bar can you send me a mugshot so I can get a second piece of ID made?"
Mostly i might never get belligerent again because im gonna have to keep track of a diamond ring.
Yes I peed all over myself and lost both my credit cards, who wants to know?
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