imagine a blue Jetta with an ILLINOIS license plate that read JISLORD..... upon pondering it for 10minutes I came to the conclusion that J stood for JESUS and IF the license plate had enough room it would read "Jesus Is Lord"
he referred to my room as the tit cave...
Tiger Woods should have just walked in, gave everyone a high five, and left.
i wish i could shrink down to the size of his dick so i could just thank it in person.
The bartender gave me a roll of masking tape so I could tape my heels to my feet so I wouldn't lose them when i went drunk running later that night
we just plugged the camera up to the big screen. would you like to come see what you did last night, in high definition?
Just looked in the mirror and i look like ive been gang banged. Im so proud of my boyfriend it almost hurts
I think rescheduling my finals around when Im going to be hungover is responsible
To the person who left a cup of vomit in the bathroom: I commend you for your aim but you are dead to me- not an ideal birthday present.
I told her we could be friends and she said the last time i told her that we had sex behind a bar at 4am
I found the crust to my pizza under my covers that's cool
I'm just impressed that you can puke without losing your gum
Would you like to get a drink then hook up or reverse order I don't really care. Hopefully you can keep this between us.
I just bought a slurpee and condoms. God bless America.
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
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