You know, if there were no such thing as marriage, i don't think porn would exist.
he got his own cum in his own eye. TWICE. how do you make that mistake again?
she said "i got this" and then fell on her face. within grabbing distance of the wall and her boyfriend
security doesn't like it when we pee on cars. or maybe just not theirs?
I awoke this morning to a naked boyfriend flying a remote controlled shark around his apartment. This is my life.
There's nothing worse than carrying your fairy crown and wings home wearing fishnets
My phone just autocorrected 'vagina' to 'vaginihilation'...when exactly did I need to convey total annihilation by lady parts??
I'm so high. Midnight pancake breakfast in bed
Instead of more alcohol, I decided to drink tea. Lets slow clap it out for me
I mean honestly, I love naps like Anthony Weiner loves sending dick pics
I was so horny last night, I failed to let him know about my current bed bug infestation.
There is a dude riding on one of those standing wheel things inside forever 21. Calm down.
Also, asking the guy who just told you he is crippled on edibles to watch your kid is probably frowned upon by most
When I get off work and you're not around to hang out with all I do is lay around in my underwear and eat potatoes.
When we sit on the couch watching TV, she always cups her hand around my balls. Not sure if it's a sign of affection or a "power play" to remind me just how vulnerable I am if she chooses to make an aggressive squeeze.
Randomize
