peeing in bathroom at penn station and the homeless man next to me is combing his beard with a fork...god I love new york
Being a girl sucks.
Being a boyfriend sucks for about a week, too
Never have I ever before welcomed her period with such enthusiasm. She was starting to pick out baby names. She got me "What to Expect When You're Expecting."
margarita scented body wash shouldn't be used the morning after cuervo. there should be a warning on the label.
We met on a dual walk of shame. It has to be love, we can't let that go to waste. I want to tell our children that story.
She gave 2 thumbs up when Nirvana came on the radio while blowing me in the bathroom
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
He was wearing a tux and a big sombrero so it automatically made the flute he was playing totally cool
You disappeared for 10 minutes. Then came back with nothing but your boxers and a life jacket on to tell us we were all screwed when the flood came and you would be the only survivor.
Would giving a bouquet of flowers to my mother be a good way to say, "sorry you walked in on my boyfriend eating me out"?
I had sex with him in the back of my car in a duck onesie. I'm worth something dammit.
A toast to whoever set this year's daylight savings fallback to the day after halloween, granting us another hour to detox before we pretend to be functional adults. Clearly, a partier with forethought and clear priorities. Cheers!
Alternately I could tell him western classical is just a series of events that had to happen for music to reach the point where Beyoncé was able to pen drunk in love, which is the pinnacle of humanity's artistic achievement thus far
My lash glue is stronger than my sense of self respect
He asked if we were going to take advantage of his drunken state. When we said no he tired to show us what we were missing out on. It was so sad it almost made him cute.
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