Does this sound normal?...She's ironing on pictures of her dead cat to all of her green clothes...
you were sat in the corner crying until someone gave you a baguette, which you then tried to feed to the duck doorstop.
I regret nothing
Its like the two hemispheres of my brain are in a death match but are two evenly matched for either side to win kinda drunk.
Im sorry that my initial plan of you grabbing his dick didnt work out but Im glad you grabbed his heart
Fyi: beer caps are stronger then bathroom counters
"Wait, who's gun did I have?" Moments when you re-examine your life choices.
She told me she's dating him because his apartment is a block from Taco Bell. I don't know how she's not fat.
I woke up and found cookies in my purse. It's a 12/12/12 miracle.
Is cereal technically a soup?
Fuck, I'm high.
I told her my cab was outside the club and that I had to go, but I think we both knew this wasn't going anywhere past the sloppy bathroom handjob.
This is the third time this year I've whored myself for a Netflix login. If this guy changes his password, I'm gonna fucking give up.
Or maybe pay for Netflix?
I'm not that desperate yet.
I thought I'd never say this, but if I had to choose between these cookies and sex, it would be these cookies
you know its getting late when the "nevers" are turning into "maybe"
Thanks for wearing matching bob ross shirts to the bar with me and referring to every guy as a happy little accident
I think I kinda scared him when I tried to wrap his snake around his dick while he was trying to nap.
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