I think I just got seasick
you're not on a boat
he has a waterbed.
she was bad bro. like...id rather put my dick in a blender. twice.
Hold on im havin a staring contest with my cat
I bet you think you're really funny for switching my line of coke with a line of protein powder.
False alarm it was margarita mix all over my hands not blood
She was drunk breaking up with me. All of my emails to her were coming back with UNSUBSCRIBE as the subject.
I want to apologize but I don't know how. Do I just say "sorry for OD'ing on your couch"? I think that just sounds weird.
I don't know if I want to live in a world where i can't fuck an exes brother.
I'm supposed to be maturing, but no instead I'll be shitting my pants in Delaware for my 30th.
Hahahaha nah you won't shit your pants - but you will fully try mushrooms.
You just said you hate yourself then sent me a picture of your friend's penis. Clearly this is a night of honesty.
You know how I know she's ugly? 97% of her profile pics are flowers or animals. And what do we know about pretty people and the Internet?
Is it bad that when someone says the phrase "helicopter dick" I immediately think of you?
Can you send me a picture of your dog? I might need to borrow him so I can wear a speedo to a pool party on Friday
Slammed 3 beers and just bowled a 129\nI guess alcohol IS the answer
I just shook glitter of my birth control packet so I’d say it’s safe to say it was a good weekend
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