Freshman just walked up and thanked me for letting him hide under my bed when the cops showed up to the house last weekend
I never want to hear the words 'my therapist says . . . ' while naked again.
I walked in on her just letting her nose bleed into her friend's hands
Yes. Yes. Double yes. I'll bring the tits. You bring the frosting.
He was crying because he hiccuped every time he kissed me. We then crawled to the kitchen because neither of us could stand, and I spoon-fed him peanut butter "to cure his ailment."
You're gonna judge me.
Howd you sleep with him already
I woke up with flowers, a tiara & pasta salad in my bed. Tequila makes me act like a fat Disney princess
Dude. I legit missed class because I got too engrossed in the porn I was watching. Also I need to figure out how to get as flexible as these chicks. Some of the positions they do are outrageous.
I shit you not ... they just advertised a recruiting service for strippers at this concert.
So my flight takes off at 8am. Does this mean I need to break my airport bar pre-flight ritual?
Aren't you the one who taught me that airports are the judgement-free drinking zone?
Why did I wake up to a snap chat of myself drinking beer out of a blender?
WE ARE DOING DRUGS AND GOING TO THE STRIP CLUB SATURDAY LADIES
Eventually I will start sleeping with people who actually want to hangout with me the next day... But not today
Looking back at our past texts, the minute it turned 2020 you were cleaning your house and I was dying of the cold. We were prophesying the Rona.
God... We're terrible. I'm so proud of us.
I know! It makes me feel all warm inside. Or maybe that's just me getting closer to hell.
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