I heard some girl say 'yeah he mustve been so drunk he kept mumbling and repeating himself'
And I thought
Fuck I do that shit every weekend
EVERY baby cries during their baptism. It's like they know from that moment on their parents are going to make them do lame things like their first communion and stuff.
found an empty one..2nd door on the right...i'm already naked.
you took him to the bathroom with you to pee and told him he had to hold your hand..but he couldn't turn on the lights because you didnt want him to hear you peeing..and still got laid. i wish i had your life.
WAIT U DIDN'T FEED THE SQUIRREL?
The bartender gave me a roll of masking tape so I could tape my heels to my feet so I wouldn't lose them when i went drunk running later that night
Aaaand I cut your bangs with a large knife last night ...
I came in your room, you looked at me and said "I fucked up" and then some kid showed up and took you to the hospital
We pretended the crowd cheering the Thunder's win was cheering for us while we had sex on the couch.
I want to see boobs tonight. Like, real ones. Your ones.
I'm romantic.
I don't think it's food poisoning, I think it's cause you cooked it over burning styrofoam
My dad made a joke about you sending me strippers for valentine's day so clearly everything here is normal
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
Ive seen a birth plenty of times, pretty awesome like a bear trying to climb out of a volkswagon.
If you can throw 105 mph it’s mandatory that you’re hung.
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