New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
drugs are my only escape from this reality. good thing I got it at a discount price last night
finally stumbled home. 4am. made it to the bathroom and threw up. the cat came in,s aw me, looked at the vom in disgust, and then threw up too. its nice to have such sympathetic pets.
Your dignity remains intact. He, on the other hand, is completely convinced he slept with your cat.
Your French couch surfers have just started playing flip cup with old crow. Basically you need to come back here
You just squeezed a person out of you and I'm drunks at 2PM. Our lives got traded and you know it and you're jealous.
His penis smells like laundry I just wanted to cuddle it
And there was a legally blind kid in a ref costume doing surprisingly well at beer pong who was passing out business cards
Soo I woke up in the storage room at best western....I dont even know what say
painting my nails while super high-drunk. Ended up painting my entire hands. Both.
After a while I was so wet that I started crying. HE MADE ME SO HORNY I WEPT.
His baby mama found the pictures of us, she couldn't see my face but she could see my asshole. So I'm safe.
The only people who will bring me pizza or tacos want a commitment and I'm hungry for food not their love.
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
He gets married Father's Day weekend and I just found out I'm pregnant. What do I do?
Randomize
