Seeing Harry Potter 3D stoned: Pro- giant redheads w/cute accents. Con-weeping for stoners who only had Pink Floyd laser shows.
The only thing I have to prove last night happened is a fireman's hat full of puke.
dude. she was texting with her nipple. I love touch screen phones!
dude, i have to cancel tonight, my neighbor just bought a goat
Hold on. She's wrapped herself in toilet paper and is scaring the dog.
Too many margaritas?
It just feels wrong masturbating with my neighbor's cat in my apartment
you threatened to puke on the table cause they didnt serve eggs Benedict
I'm approaching homosexuality at an increasingly alarming rate with each break up.
The boys wrestled in the living room for the last condom while the girls chanted, "THE LAST MELON."
But wait then while giving his drive thru order he goes in mid sentence, "Hey baby it's Travis remember me?"
Would it be wrong to text my ex and say "congratulations on the new baby that you had with a stripper"?
I have banged to "The Emperor's New Groove" way more than could possibly be reasonable.
First day in a very long time I've done more pushups than bong rips
Okay, since we're going to be living together and I'm obviously better than you at everything, I have one single simple rule that I want you to follow: DO. NOT. FUCK WITH ME.
How was I supposed to know the accent was fake before i slept with him
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