I'm not a mortal combat character
but my vagina is
I don't remember. Are we still dating?
Its really not funny anymore. I need to stop shaving while i'm drunk
After your mom took her 12th and fatal tequila shot she proceeded to fall head first into the bonfire... Guess I don't have to fear getting old after all
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
If I don't have carpet burn in the morning you aren't trying hard enough.
Remember when we pinky swore we'd never feel hungover alone...
So, just in case you go to the bathroom in the middle of the night.. Sam is asleep in the first stall.
And now we should drink to that moment where you realize you didn't exactly think things through.
Please, by all means, tell me what can't be helped by two stiff drinks & a blowjob?
They were so huge my eyes were just drawn to them. Boob gravity man.
I don't know what I was talking about but I just threw up in ikea. You can't get out of this place it's a fucking labyrinth.
I've never been this drunk around this many toddlers
I'm beginning to think shitting his pants is just a normal thing for him.
We decided it was a good idea to go streaking through the campus. Everything was fine until the sprinklers turned on and we realized the keys were in his pocket.
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