I wish I could rss feed the hooker ads on craigslist because it looks suspicious that I check craigslist every hour.
I wouldn't call it sex. It's like when you put a plug in a socket half way. It's not all the way in but it still turns on the light.
Want to get naked in Baltimore this weekend?
There are 144 bottles of wine in my mother's pantry. She just shrugged her shoulders and said it was for the wine pong tournament on Christmas Day.
We played alot of beer pong and ventured into the woods with tiki torches
I was seriously concerned she had died since she wasn't moving at all, but then I asked here where she was last night and her response was to hip thrust the air.
Before we fucked we both mutually agreed not to tweet about it.
Seriously though, passing out on the police station floor must have been priceless!
We drank vodka and koolaid through a traffic cone. It got rowdy.
This whole having a new phone thing is like starting all over in life with a clean slate! (My old text convos are gone)
New phone new life!
So what if I got a tattoo on a bus, it was sterile.
Don't take a pillow from my bed. You don't know which ones of them my vagina has been on
The cat was building a spaceship out of the carpet, my legs were cans of tomato sauce, and there was something else in that pot you gave me.
Was that you calling me at 4am asking to borrow a rubber ducky and a tampon?
we have beer and we're watching the birds have sex in our yard.
Randomize