The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
I left a bag of circus animal cookies in my car all day. they melted together into on giant cookie. this could either be the best or worst thing ever
then she woke up from sleeping for an hour and the first thing she said was "i regret it already"
he actually proposed, and i threw up on him...i guess 5 glasses of wine was a bad idea.
Come on... In this relationship-economy, you gotta have "awesome blowjobs" on your resume.
My third nipple is alarmingly under-appreciated.
im trying to find a facebook picture of him that doesnt make me regret sleeping with him. its not working
Also, what is a socially acceptable way to introduce a crossbow in public?
The ideal thing to do next party is to tape my boobs down so they don't knock over the pong cups while playing defense. They came back to hurt us this time
Why can't I come over and snuggle you and make you lick my boots
Hi I'm on my way to give you multiple screaming orgasms and Easter candy
Who is this? I have a text from you last night telling me your name and to train hard for Tuesday, please make this make sense
May I make reservations with your penis for this evening?
so i just realized the reason you didn't answer my call last night is because the remote isn't a phone.
Your penis caused this!
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