Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
even after i explained my bobby knight costume the bartender still kicked me out for throwing the chair
so im sitting outside the gym eating a 20 piece nugget stoned out of my mind, convincing myself this is more productive because im so close to the treadmills.
On my way to the DMV to get arrested
someone who i have in my phone as thundercock just said he was DTF
Second wind. Either that or my heart is about to explode. I'm hoping the first one.
Bacon Cheddar rum burgers are as great as they sound. I knew that 100 proof Captain would be good for something other than vomit.
Happy Thanksgiving! Hope its not too awkward that your dad and your boyfriend are the same age.
I'm at the bar, forgot my pants. Everyone's over reacting
A few days ago I apparently came up, asked her to make me soup, and handed her a can of coconut milk.
My throw up tasted like pumpkin, fall is right around the corner.
Also I am throwing a blaZer over what I wore to bed and calling it an outfit.
The cop looked me right in the eye and apologized for cock blocking me.
I love you but this is the first Saturday I have ever spent at the police station. And where are my boxers?
It's only considered alcoholism if you're drinking from something other than a cup....right?
Randomize
