He threw up over the balcony and blamed it on an invisible garden gnome.
i am not allowed to pick the men i sleep with anymore
The manager of the bar we were at the night before came to my house today giving me coupons. Apperently you and i won karaoke night which is a prize of 300 beer dollars. No idea what beer dollars means nor do i have any memory of doing karaoke but lets go back tonight.
I like the one of me you and her but you're looking at me...Total foreshadowing right there. I'm cropping it
they call him Oral-B. enough said
I literally told her "she's a sandwich I'd like to make" and that's all it took
Ughhhh. Finnnneeeeee. I'll have sex with your brother. Sheesh. The things I do for you woman.
If a cougar buys you pizza and wants to show you her newly-won house, you have sex with her. It's the law. Just being all the man I can be dude
I just know what's gonna happen. I mean. I shaved my legs up to shorts length. But I'm leaving the rest as a sort of makeshift caution tape.
The only monogamous relationship I can keep is with my eyebrow lady...
You're like a human soul vacuum cleaner.
Whats a little naked between friends. Just don't laugh or I'll be scared for life.
It was like the icing on a beautiful fuck boy cake.
WHAT KIND OF DEALER ONLY WORKS FRI-SUN???
Ours, apparently.
The squirrels were at the front door. Dude I swear..
Randomize
