woke up in a freezing tub of water at 6 am again. probably should stop the drunk baths
he puked in his toast at dennys. after snoopdogg high fived him. couldn't be prouder to be his bro in law.
I took in his dog. My exboyfriend still calls me for 2 things, blow jobs and animal rescue. I need to end this cycle
It was relaxing until your penis crawled in my ear.
Remember that time we got drunk tomorrow
I'll have to text you later. Trying to have civilized conversations with the boyfriends parents when I'm 100% aware I just blew their son in the bathroom 5 mins ago. Stay tuned.
AND I JUST BURNT MY BACON. WTF MONDAY. SCREW YOU TOO
Hey, dude, is Kevin still passed out on your porch?
Yeah. I'm gonna go leave a pitcher of bloody mary next to him in case he's still alive.
Probably gonna run and pray I throw up. Then go get a coffee/bagel & continue to rally
He's attempting to seduce me with thanksgiving-themed sexual metaphors... It's working.
I slept with the Australian in the bathroom of a gay bar. What has my life become.
i need you to come over and tell me if you can notice that i'm only wearing a teddy underneath my trenchcoat
it looks like a nuclear can of fuck blew up in here
You let the ASEXUAL teach sex Ed?!
Then it hit me - his penis wasn't a shiny new toy anymore and I wanted a new one.
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