Does slim fast make a chocolate heart for valentines? If so that's what she's getting.
Do you think most people who work at an airport Chili's can pin point where their lives went wrong?
You spend 45 minutes trying to convince that pregnant girl you were with all night to have sex with you cause 'the worst had already happened.'
he was terrible at kissing, so i just kept letting him motorboat me. he seemed very pleased with my choice
I know everyone screamed lady cop instead of cops. I wanted to apologize to her for our chauvinism
I was carrying him baywatch style into my place because he passed out.
I opened my package from my mom today. She put four bottles of tequila in the bottom under my ducky slippers. She knows me way to well.
Woke up Christmas Eve morning with my face smelling like ballsack.. No regrets.
I am 100% planning on being drunk on Wednesday. This is America. Work or no work.
Ill tap morse code on the ceiling when im ready for you to come down amd smoke
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
You're going to find someone that you love very much and that loves you, and then you're gonna find an additional person that you literally can't stop staring at from across the room. I feel very confidently about that
As I took my shirt off he commented on how great my boobs where. I responded with "thanks, I grew them myself"
so how was it...?
sadly not as impressive as one might expect from a division one athlete. he lacked the stamina i had hoped for, and by lacked i do mean he fell asleep while he was still inside me. an epic wtf moment, i know.
OHMYGOD YOU REALLY THINK I'D BE ON OPRAH?!
Randomize
