Getting fucked up met up rando with a girl I confesswed my love for last night. weird, going with it
i just told a girl i would suck the alcohol out of a deoderant stick
i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
Just wondering did you put mouse traps and brownies on my porch?
I'm still seeing blue. who wrote on my bare nipple?
I left him a voicemail saying i went through with the abortion and he texts me back one thing... the bbm "phew" face. really?
I mean we had sex in a crib. You tell me how my night was.
Well I will be attending the wedding with a flask of wine, potentially with a straw, and POM POMS for cheering purposes. Needless to say I will be well lubricated by your arrival..
do you think if she looks enough like a dude i have to come out to my parents?
Just googled "penis wearing a hat" i think it's safe to say nobody found my ex's lost phone...
I legit had a 15 minute convo about dinosaurs with a guy at the bar last night cuz he was wearing a jurassic park shirt
Well, I have a text in my phone that just says "Scrumtrelescent" from a girl I have in here as "Cheesy Tits", so you figure out how my night was going.
Last night was so embarrassing. I got like almost blackout drunk and threw up in my hand and then blamed it on someone else.
My fucking earlobe is bruised what the hell
She said she was sorry for rolling around in her own vomit. Honestly, I thought it really added to the party.
Randomize
