dude i woke up laying next to some guy. i dont have my bra or his name. he has a nice tv though.
do you remember putting condoms over both your hands and asking me if your fists would be too big.
Do you think I can haggle my way to discounted weed on 4.21?
Caught my drug dealer jacking off. I think this is a new step in our relationship
I fed the cats at 7 am, made her eggs, gave her oral, and now I'm helping her clean and baking her brownies. Cosmos got nothing on me.
He started screaming when he saw my dog. He thought it was a polar bear
Took three klonopin and turned all my jeans into jorts. I miss you
I peed my pants and am still dancing with guys at the club because I liked my outfit too much to change. Call the ratchet emergency
Got paid 100 bucks to babysit a kid for five hours while hungover. I slept the whole time and threw up twice. Yes 100 bucks.
Sorry about my life...
I thought you were dead but then you asked me if your tits looked good. They did.
I thought accidentally shaving off my fingertip while trying to shave my butthole was going to be the most unexpected part of my day, but no
My roommate just yelled at me for coughing. I'd like to yell at her for doing lines off our counter last night.
It's not my fault I make her feel like a Taylor Swift album
That guy u hooked me up with kept calling me james while were doing it...
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