I'm watching a Sinbad stand up special. Not even drugs can make this funny.
my dad's beating me at drinking again. No matter what i do I can't win.
It's sad that the best source of heat that I have is my vaporizer.
I don't care how old I am, if it's your 21st birthday I'm going to make out with you.
The waitress bought us a round. She said if anyone could do 52 margarita mondays in a row, it was us.
From scraping the remnants from a coke bag at a lingerie party to meeting with an 80 year old man to discuss civil rights all in under 12 hours bizarrely feels like the epitome of my life
She had her insurance card taped to her arm because it was the only thing she "couldn't take off and lose"
it's like I can see my whorish nature reflected back at me in his wedding ring.
I drunk-cried for all conjoined twins everywhere the other day.
Highlight of my night: you taking that shot of garlic butter and then throwing the empty container down on the stairs and saying FUCK.
I needed to bring way more fireball to class to match this professors intensity
omg so there's this guy on the roof and he just stripped for no reason and now i think he's making out on the rooftop with some other guy? who are these people
Banged a girl last night wearing nothing but my Team USA Olympic jersey. I think it's safe to say that nut was for America.
"I mean like shit happens" should never be an excuse for anything
Of course he’s picking me up at the airport. I taught him the Lotus position last time we had sex.
Randomize
