We walked past a group of guys in front of a bar last night and they claimed, I quote: Wow, we'd actually have to work for that.
I went for the touchdown every play, and I think I ended up with herpes.
I feel like I bought a front row ticket to watch her screw up her life
This is so stupid. Now I have to call the party planner and tell her that the break up party is off. They decided to get back together.
You yelled "GET TO DA CHOPPA" and burst through her screen door and disappeared into the night. With the goose.
Aww. I feel like I need to kill a puppy just to make room in the world for how cute you are right now
Just put your hair in a bun. We're going out to drink, not to impress people.
S.O.S. he's talking about horses and breast feeding.
You burned the hair off your arms. Again.
It grows back stronger each time.
My liver and my bank account can't afford another all nighter. Help.
if the furniture in my bedroom wasn't shape shifting... this would be a different story.
I almost drank vegetable oil. Where were you? I needed you.
The stripper told Tom to sort his life out
Really need a jack off emoji
Who do we write to about that?
Does the girl you just banged want anything from Taco Bell?
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