You made me cry and you don't even care
I skipped work to stalk him.
Apple Jack is not a good idea for breakfast. Whiskey can't replace milk.
Most awkward car ride ever. Kid in the front seat was bawling, 2 in the backseat were ready to fight, and I was giving the last kid a handie. This needs to stop happening to us.
I forgot if I was chewing my gum or my tongue
My biggest accomplishment thus far this summer is having sex 5 weeks after hip surgery.
That and I was watching this life alert commercial and I'm pretty sure my liver turned up the volume for more information
OMG. Dad just threw a 100 dollar bill down on the table for a girl to lift her shirt. I think he was kidding, but...
Just burnt my nuts with a cigarette. Don't ask. I hate life.
Okay... I just said "preach it" to the pokemon theme song. I'm hammered.
Here's to not getting arrested this year on thanksgiving again. Cheers bitches!
P.s. I loved that your balls smelled like coconut
Would it be inappropriate to send a friend request to the sheriff that fingerprinted me last night???
How do I convince my friend not to get tattoo tributes to her cats?
WHO DOES THAT
I told her it'd send up tons of red flags and she responded by telling me they're her babies. And she's sober.
well, you know. whores of a feather.
Randomize
