I was worried if he didn't show me his penis, he would kill himself
i am officially better prepared for a hangover tomorrow than i was for christmas.
I've come to realize that after waking up this morning for work no one wins in bar dice.
We're at that point in our relationship where sweatpants sex has become acceptable...
I'm sitting here in nothing but my panties, eating beef jerky and reese's for breakfast.Today is not the day to expect me to make sound life decisions.
You might not want to come home tonight. Mom just found your vibrator and now she won't stop sobbing and holding a framed picture of you as a little kid.
Pretty sure I asked the person at the pharmacy counter in Walgreens to marry me last night. But also remember Rachel Maddow crawling through the TV screen, so my memory might be a bit compromised...
I just showered sitting down with a sippy cup of water in there with me. It took 40 minutes. That hungover.
Why don't you throw your vagina at it and see what happens?
I'm petting the cat while shitting. This is all I ever wanted
I'm using the house around the corner that my parents rent out to people as a means of getting sex. I just tell them I'm going for a walk and just invite my next hook up over
Did you go to church in Texas and sign me up?
You need southern Jesus
He keeps bees of course he's weird
How have you been? I haven’t talked to you since you dyed your pubes.
This night could easily degenerate into a drunken haze of strippers and gambling, but I need a support network.
Randomize
