drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
Jennifer and I just ate like 4 jello shots w/ a guy dressed as inspector gadget. We are still in the capital building btw
I love Texas.
we were doing it doggy-style and i felt him pop that pimple on my back.I have mixed feelings about it
So I went outside my house this morning and basically my entire front lawn is covered in gummi bears... I think that involves you guys.
If she doesnt understand your inherent need to teabag an emo chick, do you really want to be with her?
i just saw the eighteen different ways i could die and only after that did i realize i'd made a poor decision
Want me to give your number to an army recruiter?
I don't know... do you want me to use your number to sell used gay porn on Craigslist?
I sense beginning a prank war would end badly for both of us.
I started a USA chant at the bar last night for no reason, other than being plastered. Within 15 seconds, I was standing on a table and the whole bar was chanting but nobody knew why.
We dated for a month and a half. he didn't like blow jobs. I honestly don't think he was human.
I was trying to drink every time they said planned parenthood but my body isn't cut out for this.
Of course I fucked him. He was wearing a rainbow cock sock and cowboy boots.
Dude why can't I remember anything after walking in from my first beer bong?
It was immediately followed by your second, third, fourth and fifth
Just keep me informed about your plans. That way i can figure out places to go and if i need to shave my balls
Sitting in the car eating a bagel. Watching a guy do tai chi in the parking lot. My morning is fabulous
You told me not to tell you found out you're pregnant..
Randomize
