we were making out and he got up to change his pants. I wonder what would happen if i took my shirt off.
I'm starting therapy this week.. Taylor Swift music isn't cutting it for me anymore
Its really not funny anymore. I need to stop shaving while i'm drunk
Don't byou dare ruin egg salad by putting your penis in it that would be so sad.
My life has only gotten better since they built a playground behind the bar
You went to jail last night?!
Just a little bit.
I am pretty sure we beat baby seals over the head in a past life. That is why we are being punished.
I'd apply for another job, but "staring out windows crying" is not a hot qualification right now.
If we all have the time, and the weather permits, and you have no plans, we should have another go at Operation Get Our Carless Friends Laid. All the lonely people will be out. We can take our lonely people out too.
She leaned in close to me, made eye contact, and seriously whispered "I will eat your soul with bacon bits." I want whatever drug she was on.
Like the friend zone has no room for winks
I stole us four large rolls of toilet paper from the hotel carts. I feel like the breadwinner in this relationship
I just put poptarts in the toaster with the wrapper on, that's how hungover I am.
Like wanna sit on your face while you speak German hot
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
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