If you want her to think you're a true humanitarian, you may want to stop referring to Hands Across America as "the Ghostbusters 2 of fund raisers."
There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
True story: Just left my solo cup on a cop car. Yesss
There's an official council for his ex boyfriends. They told me they 'look forward to the day I join them'.
I flashed some kids doing a church car wash. I feel like I really improved the quality of their lives.
Jesus these cramps...it's like every potential fetus I swallowed last night is personally punching me in the uterus
Returning my drunken purchases from last night. Not a single thing I bought was on sale.
Lmfao I'm not trying to have a pissing contest over acid with my mom.....
You pole danced in your parka.
facebook is just a cold reminder of all the times other bitches won my hookups
She sent me nudes via email. What the fuck are we still in the 90s? Grow up
Nah, i wasn't offended. Having a bridesmaid who you had had multiple threesomes with your future husband would be weird.
I just want to trace his tattoos with my tongue
Can you send me the picture of me licking the cows udders?
I think my stomach is breaking up with me. It's giving me back everything I ever gave it.
Randomize
