Dude I'm drinking a martini out of a water bottle, I've become my parents.
She made me put my jeans under her mattress so that I wouldn't leave in the morning while she was still sleeping. Apparently I just look like "that guy".
I accidentally requested the ides of march off instead of st patricks day. Is this an omen? will alcohol be my brutus?
we had you propped up in a chair and fed you donuts. i've never seen you happier
My grandma paid her handyman in pain killers. I now know why this is in my genes
He didn't seem too mad about the puke on the side of his car. You still have a chance.
It wouldn't have been a big thing. If anything, I woulda apologized to you and cleaned the remote
I feel like after that many guys, all of the water in your body is just replaced with pure jizz, honestly.
And theres a reasonable expectation that if you're fighting over a pair of yoga pants on the ground at VS someones gonna videotape it
He's passed out. He nodded his head when I asked if he's alive though...so there's that
DRAW HIM A PICTURE OF SOME FUCING AWESOME THING. LIKE A UNICORN OR SOME SHIT. FANTASTIC.
Naw but when she was in the bathroom I threw the condom out the window and I'm pretty sure it hit some girl
So the remote for the camera in the photo booth must have gotten dropped on the floor. while you were in there. having a threesome. on the floor of the room where my parents stay when they visit me. so thanks.
there is glitter all over my balls
Sometimes I feel like my vagina has a photographic memory of his penis. It sucks that he got engaged....
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