he is fucking friends with his exwife on facebook, but he defriends me after 3 dates? am i that crazy?
It's like sleeping with someone you met at a karaoke bar. It's never okay.
It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
You told her to step on the scale because you had whiskey goggles, and scales don't lie.
It's one of those nights that you wish to god someone would booty call you, and then realize you'll just be stuck here with your poptart...
Here's the thing, you got road head in two different cars tonight. You feel lucky yet?
Cops on bikes. I think I can outrun them.
We had him convinced Visine is flammable. He was genuinely freaked out that everyone would know when he was stoned.
I gave you the craziest sex experiences of your life, the least you could do is let me keep the sweater.
I put purple lights under my bed and asked him if he wanted to fuck in a spaceship.
If I take one more surprise finger up the ass this week there will be hell to pay.
Can you please venmo me emergency money? i have no pants.
K. The dog and I are outside. The Uber driver said "I hope he fucks the shit out of you"
I’m glad they have a happy marriage but why do they have to inflict it on the rest of us?
My roommate made maccoroni last nigh dropped the bowl off the counter knocking it into the dog bowl he picked up the dog bowl and started eating it claiming it was te worst Mac and cheese ever and if he wasnt so high he would stop eating it hahahaha
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