How many nights a week you wake up with sticky boxers cause you were dreaming of Clay Aiken? Your wife mad?
i just taught a 3 year ld how to do a jager bomb, i cant wait to have kids
It just hit me that i made out with someone's mom last night
He plays me like an instrument...he is the Carlos Santana of my vagina.
Santa brought me a 1.75 of wine, and a liter of patron. I probably won't remember Christmas, so don't ask me how it was tomorrow.
I feel like, for the first time today, we had a healthy yolo.
Any time you've had a failed relationship, I blast No Sex for Ben by The Rapture and dance around my room. I wish I was joking.
So ive come to the realization that my affinity for tattooed guys makes me the literal definition of tit for tat
Blood work from physical was all good, apparently heavy alcohol use agrees with me
Ugh. The fucking vaginal recession is so real right now.
i chased my gummy vitamins with cold bacon, never say I don't take care of myself
My dog misses eating marshmallows out of your butt when you're passed out. That bordered on sex abuse, now that I think about it. My bad.
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
I literally just ordered a gold medal online that is engraved with his name, "01.01.16", and "BEST SEX EVER"
Why did you buy a cock ring?
I’m going to propose to his penis
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