i love that we sang a whole new world together while you carried me through campus
just saw a girl come out of the tanning bed room on crutches, now thats determination
I swear, you have an app for that. "Attention: your boyfriend is pooping. Place call?"
My favorite part was when he stopped, looked up in the middle of performing oral sex and asked, "you did know it was Arbor Day, right?"
im not going to any frat parties next semester. for once i want them to think its actually hard to get in my vagina
i just remembered i chipped my tooth last night when i pulled up your pants zipper with my teeth
I want to celebrate with you...
There's nothing I'd like more than a celebratory "The guy I'm doing just found out he's not a baby daddy" dinner.
On another note, convinced a 9 year old my hickey was actually a zombie bite.
Will i get arrested If i steal the salvatiion arny guys bell for ringing it to close to my hangover
I just went to add a song I had never heard before to my "high as fuck" playlist and it was already there.
Whoever was doing lines off my iPad is a dick. Also bring Gatorade, for I hunger
For Who flesh?
TYLER OWES ME SO MUCH
I LET A CREEPY MAN I DONT KNOW SUCK ON MY NIPPLES
I am high playing guitar hero naked. Please don't let me die this way
I just watched an intern spill two trays of coffee inside a spinning door
Best exit from a building ever
I just remembered that before we left my house I vowed to stay fully clothed and I FAILED
Randomize
