toast her oven
toast her strudel
inspect her gadget
Get condoms and clear your schedule for the night. I'm bringing chinese food!
there are 2 things i love giving: blowjobs & backrubs. how can i tell them that without sounding like a slut
Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
can you put a coffee maker in the dish washer? yo know what, nvm i want to be surprised
Thinking about fake proposing to my gf just so the middle aged women next to us will buy us drinks
hahaha lucky. I'm fishing with some dude I just met when I woke up next to the mohawk river
honestly i just want a cigarette and someone to go down on me... are you interested in helping with either of those
Welcome to stoned Saturday. Full of laser tag and beyonce and awesome
Sitting in my car feasting on the spoils of Taco Bell as Donna Lewis croons "I love you, always forever." A more perfect moment will never exist.
I sharted in my christmas pjs :(
I put miralax in my rum/coke. Go hard or go home.
Things were going really well until his cousin showed up. She told him I look kind of like his mom, which started a ten-minute debate on my and his mother's specific features, and ultimately, who is prettier. Guess who my date picked.
my hair smells like a mixture of fireworks and rotten eggs with a hint of shame. it's so strong it's keeping me awake.
I know I joke about running from my problems a lot but I'm 3 miles off-campus and need a ride
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