I have now ridden the bus with a ninja, a samurai and Jesus. Who says the bus is for losers.
Today I met the neighbor that shares my bedroom wall. When I pointed out my unit, he said, "Oh, that's you? Oh... that's you." I didn't think much of it until I was in bed tonight and I heard him clear his throat. He's. Heard. Everything.
It was a cry at the bar alone type of night, served with a side of passing out facedown in my nachos.
Did I seriously kick a door down last night... And if so when where and how hard, cause that shit I do not recall.
I threw up in my closet when I was hammered last night. Like a fucking toddler. I can't play with the grow ups.
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
he started frosting cupcakes and licking the mini-spatula realllllly deliberately and i don't know if i'm more attracted to him or the cupcakes
I had a dream last night that I met Diplo. Now I'm just sad
Bought pregnancy tests in bulk off amazon. Kinda feel insulted that it asked if I wanted to subscribe for regular shipments.
YOU HAVE PISSED AND FUCKED ON LITERALLY EVERYTHING IN MY HOUSE
Not everything, just a few things. And only a few times. The odds are really not all that bad when you break it down.
you’ve pissed every time you slept over. there’s no such thing as odds anymore. it’s guaranteed
We are actually the same person except with opposite genitalia, which are both incredible.
My vagina is no longer accepting new clients.
You told me you were trying to learn all the MLB ballparks while you waited for your porn to load.
I'm gonna go parent style on your ass... I don't ask much from you but if you could please just come get shitfaced with me I would really appreciate it
You can make out without kissing
Explanation needed
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