I want leopard sheets
haha sexcapades
thats the plan
sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
Why do girls get to wear clothes that say "do me now" but guys don't have that kind of option?
I mean, what would the male equivalent of a slutty dress be?
Those strippers last night smelled great. It was the perfect mixture of vanilla and daddy issues.
i threw up in his kitchen sink and then used a measuring cup to drink water because i couldn't find a clean glass. i just threw up down the stairs. it's gonna be a long walk home.
I just had a girl text me from knoxville "come see me. we'll go for drinks and I can make you breakfast"
how do you like your eggs?
over tits
I havent dry-humped that much since freshmen year. Forgot how good it doesnt feel.
Note to self: Not getting laid all weekend makes girls in mondays classes racks seem enormously bigger.
If one more "stranger" walks up to me at the bar and asks how I have been, I am going to rehab.
Someone woke me up and gave me a sprite and some pills. I put them in my belly button. Trust no one.
If I get over there and the april fools joke is that there's no HBO, I'm setting fire to the place.
I bought us both waterproof cases so we can sext through FaceTime in the shower.
Next. Level. Shit.
Alcohol won't break your heart. I mean, unless it's all gone maybe
My last memory of last night was being in a laundry room doing blow and admiring a washer and dryer... I think that's the earmark of old age
Just find a separated / divorcing man. They’re too upset to fall in love, too helpless to be alone and too horny to think straight. Smile at him the right way and he’ll be thrilled to be with a sexy younger woman!
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