This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
you kept lifting my skirt up, yelling "PANTY PARTY". needless to say, you're at the top of my father's shit list right now.
Sam from lord of the rings is 10 yards away from me, i am creaming myself.
My balls had bee stings let's just leave it at that.
From what I hear, her blowjob factory was runninng at full capacity this weekend.
I may have just serenaded the sadface couple sitting on a bench outside the dorm by singing Bye Bye Bye.
It's 2:30 on a Friday afternoon. It's snowing and must be about 20 degrees outside. I'm sitting in this class with 300 people using up every ounce of energy and willpower not to puke all over the girl in front of me. This has got to stop.
I'm gonna give him birthday punches. On the dick. With my mouth.
Tell me I'm the only person you know who could punch someone at the bar, get escorted out, smoke a cig with the cop who almost arrested me AND get the security guy who escorted me out to buy me drinks.
On her way to bed she said, "If you have sex on the couch, just move my blanket" Needles to say, we moved the blanket
tell your brother to quit sending me his dick pics what am i going to do with them print them out and shove them up my ass???
So I'm already mostly naked in a kind of bed but obviously too lazy to take my boots off. It's like January 1st is already here
You can't break up with me. I brought you to see Beyoncé.
My mom just busted me rolling a blunt on her bathroom counter. ...all she said was fuck it it's Christmas
The streets are paved with hand jobs
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