Never let Scott cook bacon and eggs at 2am while drunk. You should have seen the flames.
Did we have sex last night or did we just wake up naked covered in oil?
I want to have a prehistoric party. By that, I mean I want to dress up as a dinosaur and get drunk. That's all I want in life.
the repo guy said it was the first time he'd ever started to repo a car with someone fucking inside of it. he might have said 'doing it' instead.
THIS NIGHT WILL NOT GO DICKLESS
If you're in the liquor store 5 minutes before close, and you have to ask the cashier for a coin to flip to make a life decision because "vodka takes you to a bad place," you need to reevaluate your life.
New wedding record, my shirt was off by 8pm!!!
I just found out who gave her jelly shots. You owe me a new mattress.
When you get shitfaced you find strippers when I get shitfaced I speak to woodland creatures, do you see the dilema?
It was like 10 tiny penises being shoved in my vagina.
I JUST BROKE A NAIL MASTURBATING. WTF I could even enjoy my orgasm bc now I'm gonna have to spend $50 on my nails.
I got a hand job after work. Remember those? From the 90s...
I want to create a human. Discussion later.
you would not believe who i just fucked on my lunch break
We're in an alley with a psychic wizard, shes reading our palms
Randomize
