i know we just met, but i forget your name, and i'm wondering why my penis burns?
A girl just told me I should smile because I was surrounded by hot girls. I told her that clearly beauty was in the eye of the beholder. And she slapped me!
Why do you apologize after every time we have sex?
God dammit, you have a cape and I don't even have a fucking jacket.
What do I have to do to get you laid? I talked to that girl with the ugly dog for 45 minutes trying to get you in, and all you said was "Steven Spielberg is my favorite director."
I am currently sitting on a candy bar to warm it up cause it was in the fridge so I can eat it while watching the last song and smoking weed by myself
She told me I was lying in front of her toilet for an hour saying "lasers."
I just took a shower and I feel like 20 pounds of sex just came off of me.
we got 12 live crabs and then we got really stoned and know we're playing with the crabs. thats nom watermellon nom. now i'm plaing with a crap whos such a gentleman
I have a surprise for you
Is it drugs? I want drugs. Or a puppy!
"I vaguely remember the Health and Safety Inspector walking into my room this morning while I was passed out naked. That's one way to get it over with quickly."
Dave called me blind fucking drunk thinking he was going to die from drinking with drake bell(wtf?) saying "it's all that drake motherfucker's fault" and later proceeded to tell me "you are my twitter"
As we were leaving a memorial service last night he turns to me and says, is it too soon for a post funeral blowie?
Girl just left one of the apts upstairs carrying a giant bottle of kahlula and a lunchable.... I feel like we could be friends
I'm not fucking any of these fools. But if they want to buy me Olive Garden, that's their business.
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