I would rather wake up to a truck driver than wake up to her
My main thought on the Olympics: I need LESS cowbell.
I didnt believe in cockblocking untill my roomate brought home that.
I woke up naked this morning there was a baseball bat on the floor the bathroom door knob was removed and the floor was wet. This is why i don't do Tequila shots.
My professor just used the phrase "balls deep in your mind". My day is officially made.
MASS TEXT: who ever dared Todd to suck on the Clorox wipes last night.. good goin jackass. you can come visit him, hes in room 266, AFTER hes done getting his stomach pumped.
HE DARED ME TO DARE HIM... DONT PUT THAT ON ME.
Tell Chris I said sorry for yelling "It's my vagina, let me do what I want with it!" at the party last night.
It's not that he's ugly its just that being blind folded makes everything less awkward
We are finally out of the honeymoon stage of the relationship because it turns out that you can't come back from peeing on me in your sleep.
Apparently it's bring your ugly annoying ass piece of shit slob of a baby day at work
Let's run into the wild and just eat berries and have sex all the time.
If u ever apologize to me for "too-rough" sex again I will suspend ur all-access pass to my vagina indefinitely
Do you realize we were driving someone else’s car and I was holding the wheel while you were driving and sucking my dick. That’s NOT normal
I got drunk. Then I took a shit.
It was a good shit
I shit myself and fell down the stairs and I’m still finding shit In those pants.
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