These people need to leave so I can have rum and Doritos at work like every other American.
I can do anything tonight that doesnt involve an erection.
I Just paid off the bartender to help me convince this chic my roommate's gay. This is the best cockblock ever.
drunk...on the white house tour...security is staring. this will not end well.
im just glad that if you were going to have awkward hospital sex, you would want it with me
I can't tell if your life is amazing or needs reevaluation when "did I get hit with a nightstick" is a legitimate question.
Sounds good. Stay safe. I'm kind of drunk in a Food 4 Less right now and I'm having the time of my life.
spending my first valentines day single in 3 years blazed and eating heart shaped brownies i bought myself. WHO NEEDS A MAN.
I had 2 bags of iv saline fuilds for brunch and the buffet at the strip club for dinner. happy easter.
how is it that I keep meeting up with you when Im drunk?
you stand on my porch screaming my name until I come out with you...
So as a result of a tragic manscaping accident I've had to shave all the hair off of my legs. The result is... not great
He played me Kanye.. Speaking my love language.. He got a well deserved BJ
If you can throw 105 mph it’s mandatory that you’re hung.
The wine is franzia the food is cheese puffs there is a canoe full of beer and the andre glasses are mason jars glued to candle sticks. i shit you not. Best. Wedding. Ever.
Sharted again. Stuck in traffic. Fuck
Randomize
